Kristof Haines, Author at Izak Smells

Author Archives: Kristof Haines

Clarity

This entry was posted on by .

I was talking with my wife the other day about what it would be like if your consciousness persisted after death, but was only able to look in the direction you were facing when you died – forever. She thought that eventually you’d go mad and create your own fantasy world to live in, which I guess would be a sort of redemption. I still find that concept of the afterlife terrifying though. But the worst thing would be if you ever emerged from your dream, coming to full cognisance of your situation. There are times when sanity, not madness, is the enemy.

↓ Transcript
A medieval royal banquet - the court fool is entertaining the nobles with his antics. The king calls out,
“Fool, entertain us with one of your witticisms!”

The fool recites the words with a rictus grin on his face.
“Nothing terrifies me more than brief moments of sanity.”
Everyone is distinctly discomfited.

The fool resumes his jolly tumbling and antics - the crowd applauds cheerily and returns to their joyous feasting.

Google+TumblrStumbleUponRedditPinterest

Heaven’s Gate

This entry was posted on by .

After all, if the gate was opened to them, who knows what kind of undesirables might slip through? This kind of tribalism, them vs us, seems to be enjoying somewhat of a resurgence recently. It should come as no surprise though. When this sort of ‘build a wall’ attitude is baked into many of our oldest and most revered narratives, it’s all but inevitable that we’ll see it spring to life, again and again.

This is the second of my two guest strips while Becky and Isaac are away honeymooning it up. I’m not really happy with the execution of this one – I think I got a bit too ambitious without the necessary knowledge or skill to back that up, but oh well. You guys are stuck with it now.

Google+TumblrStumbleUponRedditPinterest

Exile

This entry was posted on by .

With Becky and Izak honeymooning on Waiheke Island, I’m chipping in with a couple strips despite my gross lack of skill and experience. This is the first comic strip I’ve ever illustrated- and quite possibly the first real thing I’ve ever voluntarily drawn. I discovered that if I draw things from really far away they don’t look so terrible, so I’ve pretty much stuck to that. To be honest, I enjoyed the process a lot more than I thought I would, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be tackling the IZS art on a regular basis. {collective sigh of relief}

↓ Transcript
I never saw beauty in the world
until my sins exiled me from it.

Google+TumblrStumbleUponRedditPinterest

The Colonists

This entry was posted on by .

You don’t have to have a kid of your own to know that half-formed humans are mostly composed of biohazardous slime. Sure, you have a few different kinds but they’re all essentially slime. And these precious little poosacs are not shy about sharing their most abundant resource. Gives parents just enough of a immune booster to almost compensate for the fatigue factor. I’d like to think though that it would be at least a tiny consolation if the germs really were as adorable as Becky draws them. I mean, they’ll still make you sick. But their little helmets though…

↓ Transcript
A bunch of goopy, blobby creatures with military helmets are steeling themselves for their next mission.
“Colonial Team One, prepare for launch in 3, 2, 1…”

A baby sneezes directly into their parent’s face. A small speech bubble rises from a gob of snot near the parent’s eye.
“Entry point acquired!”

Google+TumblrStumbleUponRedditPinterest

Sick of the Slaughter

This entry was posted on by .

It’s no wonder dragons are gone from the world. Sure, they may have been enormous, armoured, fire-breathing creatures of mass destruction but there’s only so many times you can butcher those who’ve come to “purge the land of evil” before it begins to get to you. Eventually you might even start to wonder if they have a point after all.

↓ Transcript
A dragon sits on its treasure hoard. Its underside is encrusted with glittering jewels, gems and golden trinkets - except for a small patch over its heart, scraped bare. In its claws it’s holding a handful of gems that it just scraped from its chest.
Caption: They’ve surrounded my lair.
Caption: I suppose I’ll have to slaughter them all. Again.
Caption: But they say every dragon has a weak spot, and I’d hate to disappoint.

Google+TumblrStumbleUponRedditPinterest

Holding It Together

This entry was posted on by .

This comic came out of something Izak said when describing what the two of us are like when drunk. It was just one of those remarks that can be easily passed over but the poetry of it grabbed me and wouldn’t leave me alone. So naturally I twisted it into an existential crisis, because of course I would. I really like the work Becky did on this one – it’s a deceptively difficult piece to pull off as all the emphasis is on the facial expressions but I think she nailed it.

↓ Transcript
A parent is reading a bedtime story to their child. The kid is doing their damnedest to stay awake, but they’re losing the battle.
Caption: Life is just one big exercise

A 20-something is standing around awkwardly at a party, holding a drink. Others around them seem to be having fun, but they’re overdrunk, isolated and uncomfortable.
Caption: in desperately holding our shit together

An old person sits in the sun. They may be asleep or dead, we don’t know. A book they were reading has slipped out of their hand to lie on the ground.
Caption: before finally succumbing to sleep.



Google+TumblrStumbleUponRedditPinterest

Elixir of Life

This entry was posted on by .

Ah, caffeine. The one drug you can proudly boast about being addicted to while at work. Imagine if it was anything else. “Man, I just can’t function without a line or two of coke in the morning.” “Whiskey helps me get through the day.” “I don’t feel like myself until I’ve smoked a joint.” I mean sure, those are all valid points – just don’t expect a scheduled meth break anytime soon.

↓ Transcript
A creepy looking necromancer gazes fondly at a woman’s corpse lying on a slab. Candles and occult paraphernalia surround her.
“We will be together again my love.”

The necromancer starts to magick something into existence.
“By the strength of my arcane powers”

A filter coffee jug appears in the necromancer’s hand, and he pours black coffee from the jug directly into the woman’s mouth. Her eyes bug open.
“and this mystic elixir!”

Google+TumblrStumbleUponRedditPinterest

Act Your Age

This entry was posted on by .

Just imagine the fun you could have being old, without all the infirmities that go along with advanced age. It’s almost like being a baby again, except with the added bonus of self-awareness and the ability to purposefully terrorise your carers. What a hoot! It’s no wonder Bogdan gave up his drafty castle and pale virgins for a taste of the real high life.

↓ Transcript
A vampire hangs upside down in an old folks home, surrounded by the aged and infirm. He has a self satisfied grin on his face, and something is dripping from his pants into a resident’s meal.
Caption: Sick of endless luxury, Bogdan tried fitting in with folks closer to his own age.
“Nurse! I have shat my pantaloons.”

Google+TumblrStumbleUponRedditPinterest

Headless Horseless Man

This entry was posted on by .

Poor dude. I mean, without his horse he’s just that weird looking guy with a really weak chin.

In other news, we’ve just signed up for the Hamilton Zinefest – it’s the first fest of the year to open for entries and we’ve been brainstorming how to create a bigger, better stall for y’all. We’re planning to have all sorts of new and exciting merch for you guys to check out, so if you’re in the area (come on, Auckland counts as “the area”, right?) pop in to Creative Waikato on May 13th and say hi! There are always loads of super talented creators at these fests, so even if you hate us (why are you still reading this?) you’re pretty much guaranteed to have a good time.

↓ Transcript
The headless horseman and his horse in couples counselling. The horse is awkwardly propped up on the couch, not anthropomorphically sitting, and it does not look impressed.
“Listen to me: you are not defined by your relationship with this horse.”
“Well, you say that…”

Google+TumblrStumbleUponRedditPinterest

Destroyer of World

This entry was posted on by .

It all started out as a misunderstanding, which turned into a mistake, which progressed into planetcide. After Ergalon lay in ashes, Galag soon discovered that it occupied an uncomfortable position as something more than a mass-murderer but somewhat less than an interstellar scourge. Sensibly realising that changing the past was not an option, Galag decided to add another planet or two to its resume, thereby escaping its semantic limbo.

On an entirely different note, we’re in a book! The very talented Z.R. Southcombe has pooled the intelligences and experience of several talented writers and illustrators (including, inexplicably, the Izak Smells crew) and created a book designed to aid and inspire those new to the joys of writing. It’s called I Am a Writer and it’s out now! If you’re keen to get hold of a copy, this is the best place to go – and if you order during the month of February 2017, you can use the code iamawriter to get 20% off.

Books!!

A post shared by Z. R. Southcombe / Zee (@zrsouthcombe) on

↓ Transcript
Izak and Kristof are watching a gigantic tentacled monster tear apart a city. Izak points excitedly.
“Oh shit, it’s Galag, Destroyer of World!”
“ “World”, singular?”

Obscene and gory destruction is raining down all around them as they calmly converse. Izak now has his phone out.
“Yeah, he’s new to all this.”
“That’s stupid.”

Close up on Izak’s mobile phone screen. He’s just added an S to the end of Galag’s title.
“I know, right? But I’m updating his wiki now!”

Google+TumblrStumbleUponRedditPinterest